Actually, the GOP version is only about 6,000 years
[Cross-posted from Teh Orange]
It’s not easy being green a GOPasaur. All signs points to their individual and collective extinction, yet they still walk the Earth, seemingly oblivious to their fate, unable to see what any sentient creature could see: it’s so over. The planet, it seems, is moving on without them and they’re left to ponder the cruel vicissitudes of fate. For surely, it must just be fate, right?? It couldn’t have been anything that they said or did, could it??
Like young children, taking to heart their teachers’ threats that their latest malfeasance would be etched in stone on their Permanent Record, GOPasaurs live in perpetual dread that their crimes, misdeeds, ethical lapses, and offhand remarks about female reproduction. Unfortunately (for them), while their witless song may have ended, the malady lingers on, thanks to the preservative properties of the fossil record.
Thus is is with unalloyed joy that some of our paleo-pals have discovered a solution to their extinction fears, a way to wipe the slate clean of their missteps and recast themselves in ways that the votersaurs will find appealing, even irresistable. Follow along below the Gobi Desert Easter Egg for the Rest of the Story…
Astonishingly, it was Griftasaurus palinii who first stumbled upon the “fix” during her nanosecond-long run for the presidency. Never the brightest bulb in the Cretaceous candelabra, she nonetheless manifested a certain ability to transcend her limited abilities through guile. When paleo-pundits pointed out her butchering of historical facts, the gritty Griftasaurus sauntered over to the pages of Wikipaleopedia and rewrote history to dovetail with her twisted utterances. Voila! Problem solved!
Fellow Griftasaurus G. karlroveii was quick to jump on the revisionist bandwagon, using a disproportionate share of his ill-gotten SuperPAC gains to purchase a controlling share in YouTube, enabling him to obliterate most of his own recorded gaffes along with the Mesozoic mischief of his hand-picked paleo-political cronies.
Speaking of vast (or haf-vast) wealth, Birthasaurus thedonaldii used a chunk of his filthy lucre to score a slightly used time machine to return first to Kenya, where he met with nothing but dead ends in his quest for the Long Form Birth Petroglyphs of Obamasaurus Rex. Not one to concede defeat, he dialed in the coordinates of the hospital in Hawaii and tampered with made selective edits to the original document until it met his exacting criteria.
No stranger to pointless quests, Archeopteryx bachmannii, finally realizing that her shrill cries of “repeal Obamacare!” were falling on deaf ears, issued a clarification through her recently released, still-unpaid-after-many-months press secretary. Her actual words, according to this statement were: “Be healed! Obamacare!”, a ringing endorsement of the Affordable Care Act’s coverage for pray-away-the-gay” therapies.
Inflammasaurus allenwestii, after months of licking his festering wounds following his well-deserved electoral defeat, finished his craton-cracking, fossil-record-obliterating autobiography and is currently on a nationwide lecture tour. Crowds have flocked to his standing-room-only motivational speeches on “Interpersonal Respect: The Gateway to Peace and Understanding”.
Another misunderstood GOPasaur, Legitimasaurus toddakinii, demanded retractions from the many media outlets who had “mischaracterized” his utterances regarding “legitimate rape” and other fables of female internal appurtenances. In reality, what he said was that, when the urge to “legitimately rape” a woman seized him, his body had “ways of shutting that whole thing down.”
Fellow reproductive savant GiftfromGodasaurus mourdockii was quick to follow in his colleague’s muddy footsteps, clarified his remarks, suggesting that females who found themselves With Child as a result of rape would quite justifiably cry out, “Oh, my God! This must be a grift!”
While we’re on the subject of those who should have been barred from the reproductive process, we would be remiss in passing over Deadbeatasaurus joewalshii. This contemptible creature allowed his own offspring to suffer hunger and deprivation while he was living in relative splendor in the miasmic swamps of the District of Columbia. With the benefit of retroactive revision, we now see that this was all a simple misunderstanding: just one weekend of wilderness camping; a character-building experience.
Stegasaurus newtii and his uber-botoxed mate, Callistasaurus tiffanii, finally conceded that all they really wanted out of that ill-fated presidential run was some publicity for their children’s book, and that they really never expected to reach the White Cave. This news was greeted with a barely-stifled yawn by most GOPasaurs, with the notable exception of Casinosaurus adelsonii, who had bankrolled their Tiffany’s account the campaign, along with that of…
Brontosaurus romneii who would probably – in retrospect – have given millions to erase that fateful “47%” audio recording that revealed to the world just what he thought of the great unwashed masses American people. In a shocking turn of events, he announced this morning at a hastily arranged press conference that he would be donating 47% of his fortune to causes that benefit the unemployed, the uninsured, the sick, the poor, and the homeless. “It’s the least I can do”, he told the stunned crowd, “After all, during my years at Bain, I built that”.
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