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Since 2008 – Progress Through Politics

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This evening I finally opened my laptop. When I saw Denise’s thank you diary I started to make a comment, then realized I had enough I wanted to say that it was probably too much to post there. I didn’t want to throw an important community diary off topic.

Since Sunday I’ve stayed under the radar. . Bottom line, I am battling severe depression. Not sure if it’s side effects from all the drugs given to me when I was sick and on the ventilator for four days, or if it’s issues going on in my life right now, maybe both.

Even doing the “I have much to be grateful for” thing several times a day hasn’t helped much.  

Thing is, I do have a lot to be grateful for. On the other side of the coin there’s some major emotional life stress going on long term.

For eleven months I’ve had a trip to Miami planned for this week. I’ve been in such a funk that it took some people IRL to convince me to go. Snow and record breaking low temps in IA helped, too.

So I’m here. And it’s warm. Yes, I am grateful,  and those loving people who made sure I got on that plane are now jealous as hell. They’re freezing their asses off back there and I’m eating sushi outdoors on a patio this evening.

About a week ago I attempted to start a late night diary series here. I need to apologize for not following through, just disappearing.

Due to real life situations lately, and also very hurtful things that I experienced at GOS, I suddenly felt vulnerable posting somewhere new. Vulnerability kicks off fear for me at times, when I don’t handle fear well I tend to disappear.  That bit of neurosis,  along with the spiraling depression, sent me back into my shell.

The point to all this rambling is that I am very glad the Moose-a-thon was pointed out to me. I am very grateful for this place and those in it I’ve known of some time, and for those folks I’m getting to know.

 


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/ 36 Comments

36 comments

  2. Kysen

    and you are amongst friends (ones you have long known…one you have only just met…and ones you may have not yet crossed paths with).

    From our Moosely beginning we have worked hard to see that it is a safe haven for those seeking civil discourse and a respectful environment. Our pace may be slower than other places…but that works for us. We would rather ‘ruminate’ over a diary or comment for several days…then rush through the entire conversation in several minutes.

    So, take the time you need to relax…and know that whenever you stop by…you are welcome…and the last thing that folks who congregate in this neck of the woods want to do is spook ya.

    I hope you soak up plenty of those Miami rays….mark me as another one who is jealous!

    /grin

  3. Chris Blask

    The last thing anyone here wants is to have a “commitment” to the community become a burden.

    Where any one of us may start a regular thing here, nobody is going to be the very slightest off-put if the regularity isn’t. The whole idea of putting our dependence onto another like shackles runs against the natural grain.

    Moose don’t flourish in the harness.

    Enjoy the sun, I will be thinking of your cool sushi in the warm air while the frost melts slowly off another Tennessee day.

  4. fogiv

    we all do that from time to time, and sometimes some of us never come back because they’ve just moved on to other things.  no obligations, no worries.  you take care of you.

    be well.

  5. sricki

    but I know what it’s like to suffer from crippling, overwhelming depressive episodes. I disappear too at times… from all but a very few very special people in my life. At times, those few people were the only reasons I managed to make it through (barely sometimes, but I’ve always made it in the end… no matter how hard I might have tried to self-sabotage). Keep your friends and loved ones as close as you can. Take care of yourself, and if you need help… seek it out.

    As others have said, the Moose is safe. We really do try to keep discourse as civil as humanly possible. On the off chance that anyone ever said anything disrespectful or hurtful to you here, you’d find a whole slew of people standing by your side defending you against unfair treatment. You will find allies here, not enemies. Don’t be afraid to post diaries/comments if you want. We are always interested in hearing from you.

    I know you probably have plenty of people IRL to talk to about all this. I expect you’ve experienced what you’re going through before, in one form or another. I’m sure you have plenty of people you’d rather talk to than some random chick online, anyway. But… if you ever do have any inclination — or need — to talk to someone online who has battled depression/mental illness for years (and literally has the battle scars to prove it), please feel free to email me. I have time to talk to anyone who might need an empathetic ear… especially about things like this. My email address is in my profile. I check it daily.

    Treat yourself with as much kindness as you can muster.  

  7. HappyinVT

    we really do take care of our own here.  Do we fight?  Oh heck yeah but no one gets away with being personal with another Moose.  No one.

    But don’t think you’re obligated to write anything at any time.  We truly all go through spells where we disappear for periods of time because of real life issues.  And more than a few of us have bouts of severe depression; luckily I’m at the age where I’m beginning to blame it on menopause moodiness.  🙂

    Post whatever whenever and know you’re always welcome.

  8. jlms qkw

    many of us (me included) battle some dragons.  

    enjoy the warm and sun and sand while you can, and take a little bottle of the ocean water & sand home . . .  

  9. Nurse Kelley

    The thing is, you don’t have to apologize for needing to take care of yourself. This is a pretty mature group, and all of us (well, most of us) have walked hard roads. I’ve been at the Moose long enough to have seen what happens when someone comes along and makes one of us feel unsafe, and it was pretty spectacular. That other place talks a lot about community, with some cause; this feels more like family.

    You do what you have to do to take care of Laura. Wave every now and then so we know you’re sittin’ up and takin’ nourishment, but don’t worry about the commitment of a series. Let us carry you until the clouds part.

  10. Avila

    to see you here.  you’re one of my very favorite writers, but i’m so sorry you’ve been in a dark place.

    feeling vulnerable, i understand. much of this week i’ve wondered why. i know the CW is that isolation makes depression worse, but faking the funk is rilly obvious and awkward for some of us. 😉

    this is a very soothing place. i appreciate that more than words can say.  i believe you’re safe here, darlin’ . . . and on the off-chance i’m wrong (nevah happens, ha) . . . i’ve got your back.  i promise.

    sounds like you need a vacation, and i hope it’s relaxing and a real “refresh” (F5 for the soul.)

  12. kishik

    Will help you out.  The change of seasons, especially the arrival of Spring always seems to help me.

    Absorb the warmth and sunshine… And ride on the waves of love and true friendship from those who gave you this gift to get away.

    🙂

  13. trs

    I know what it’s like to battle sevee depression – I deal with chronic depression, and have had several severe episodes in my life. You do what you need to to take care of yourself – we’ll be here when you get back.

    I don’t know if you are getting help for your depression, but I recommend it. The right therapist, combined with a good doctor, makes a huge difference. I found that out during my last severe episode back in 2006. The right medications also help, if a person is willing to go there (some people aren’t, and I understand that). It toook three tries for me before the right medication is found – it’s a crapshoot. However, they found mine, and I’ve been on it since 2006, with adjustments when needed.

    Another recommendation would be to read a book called “The Noonday Demon.” It’s a book about one man’s journey through depression. I don’t suggest reading it right now – it’s long, heavy, and a book you need to read in segments to absorb it all.

    Iowa winters don’t help – I know this as a person that lived all my life up to 2010 in northern Illinois. Nurse Kelley made me get a sun lamp, and it does help – at least it did for me.

    Whatever you do, take care of yourself. That is the most important thing. We’ll be here when you are ready for us.

  14. iriti

    I’m not as good with expressing things as the folks who already have. The main thing is to relax and heal your soul. The sun may help, it does trs (who is my hubs).

    As for the series, start it back up if you want, don’t if it feels like too much, or maybe just do it intermittently when you get in the mood – that might take the pressure off. Either way, don’t let a feeling of guilt or pressure keep you away from folks who would love to support you.

  15. rb137

    Many hugs.

    The stress of being sick will deplete your “feel good” hormone reserves, and pretty soon you’re having more trouble than usual making important chemicals like serotonin. When your body needs to devote its energy to staying alive and little else, secondary hormone systems get low priority. No doubt your recent ordeal with a respirator is directly involved with how you’re feeling lately.

    Have a great time in Miami — and build yourself up. The extra sunlight will help, right?  🙂

  16. Lightbulb

    “Due to real life situations lately, and also very hurtful things that I experienced at GOS, I suddenly felt vulnerable posting somewhere new. Vulnerability kicks off fear for me at times, when I don’t handle fear well I tend to disappear.  That bit of neurosis,  along with the spiraling depression, sent me back into my shell. ”

    I can relate to this, and I hear you

    Personally, I am finding the Moose to be very welcoming. I think we’re both safe here.

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