Still smarting from Obama’s re-election and the ongoing implosion of the GOP brand, party leaders have concluded that something’s terribly wrong. Not their message. Nah, it couldn’t be that. More likely it’s the way they’ve been using angry, misogynistic, racist old white guys to carry the party standard. Seems that this is alienating the voters, and We Can’t Have That.
Your intrepid diarist has picked through the dumpster behind Reince Priebus’ office and found some of their latest public relations communiques on a range of subject matter. Oddly, they’re all encrypted in limerick form…
GOP anti-abortion messaging focuses on shaming women who find themselves in difficult circumstances, piling on to compound their anguish, just because they can:
Abortions are evil! Tut, tut!
If you get one, you must be a slut!
Shame on you, Jezebel!
You’ll be headed to Hell!
Guess you should have just kept your legs shut!
However, that misogynistic messaging is proving a little out-of-touch, so the new GOP copywriters are proposing something more, um… upbeat:
Life is sacred, on that we agree
Who would not love a cute, pink baby?
With their eyes full of joy
Every young girl and boy
Is a treasure to you and to me
Speaking of misogynistic messaging, how about all those armchair gynecologists dispensing disinformation on birth control such as…
A legitimate rape? Well, okay…
But most women just lie when they say
Their assailant was armed
Chances are they were charmed
By some boyfriend (at least he’s not gay!)
When life hands women a bushel-basket of lemons, it’s time to make some lemonade:
We’re so sorry; we do understand
Your rape-pregnancy happened, unplanned
Sometimes life’s so unfair
It’s just too much to bear
It’s too bad we can’t lend you a hand.
Harsh views on homosexuality abound in GOP political rhetoric (usually right up to the point when those unfortunate photos come to light):
We’re good Christians! We do not believe
In the marriage of Adam and Steve
It’s grotesque and obscene!
Marriage must be kept clean!
It’s in danger! We can’t be naïve!
Under the Kinder Gentler GOP 2.0, it’s time to face facts: not everyone’s a heterosexual. It might be time to ditch the homophobia and realize that gay people do, after all, vote:
Are Republicans biased? No way!
Why, my neighbor’s ex-wife’s son is gay!
He’s a charming young man
Served in Afghanistan
When “don’t ask, don’t tell” passed, I said “yay!”
As we learned in the Ayn Rand petroglyphs, sympathy for the poor, the homeless, the jobless, the sick, the elderly and other losers is a sign of insufferable weakness:
A poor person who can’t pay their rent?
Unemployment check’s already spent?
Well, I simply don’t care!
Not one dime could I spare!
I’m elite! In the top One Percent!
Perhaps that seems a bit, well, uncaring. Let’s see if the new GOP-lite version would sound a little more altruistic:
In the land of the free and the brave
Someone must play the part of wage slave
You should keep working hard
For that house with a yard
And that other nice stuff that you crave.
Of course, there’s nobody like a GOP chicken-hawk draft dodger when it comes to international saber-rattling and war-mongering:
Time to scramble the bombers! Let’s roll!
North Korea is out of control!
And Iran will be armed!
People should be alarmed!
We’re at war for America’s soul!
Well, that sounded nice and patriotic, but since they’ll be fighting these wars using your kids as cannon-fodder, perhaps they need a better recruiting message like this:
Join the Army, young patriot guy!
Beam with pride as our flag flies on high!
Keep America free
In Marines or Navy
It’s all good (well, it’s true: you might die)
While they weren’t busy plotting the next unpaid-for war or stripping women of their rights or shredding the safety net or protecting the uber-rich, GOPers focused their efforts on obstructing that President Obama put forth:
He’s a Socialist Kenyan! Watch out!
All the birthers were right to cast doubt!
That usurper would dare
Push for Obamacare!
Well, impeachment will be our next route
Turns out that those pesky voters keep electing the dude, though, so maybe it’s time for a little more bipartisan approach
Four more years? Well, that sucks, but oh, well…
We’ll try not to freak out or raise hell
“Kumbaya” we shall sing
In the hopes we can bring
Some bipartisan stories to tell
So… by now, you get the picture: same pig, different lipstick. Feel free to add some more rewrites in the comments section below.
Following the first use of “controversial” in a story on the FBI statement that North Korea was responsible for hacking Sony Pictures Entertainment, traffic to articles refuting the statement has brought information security experts and media editors to their knees in gratitude.
