Motley Moose – Archive

Still smarting from Obama’s re-election and the ongoing implosion of the GOP brand, party leaders have concluded that something’s terribly wrong. Not their message. Nah, it couldn’t be that. More likely it’s the way they’ve been using angry, misogynistic, racist old white guys to carry the party standard. Seems that this is alienating the voters, and We Can’t Have That.

Your intrepid diarist has picked through the dumpster behind Reince Priebus’ office and found some of their latest public relations communiques on a range of subject matter. Oddly, they’re all encrypted in limerick form…

GOP anti-abortion messaging focuses on shaming women who find themselves in difficult circumstances, piling on to compound their anguish, just because they can:

Abortions are evil! Tut, tut!

If you get one, you must be a slut!

Shame on you, Jezebel!

You’ll be headed to Hell!

Guess you should have just kept your legs shut!

However, that misogynistic messaging is proving a little out-of-touch, so the new GOP copywriters are proposing something more, um… upbeat:

Life is sacred, on that we agree

Who would not love a cute, pink baby?

With their eyes full of joy

Every young girl and boy

Is a treasure to you and to me

Speaking of misogynistic messaging, how about all those armchair gynecologists dispensing disinformation on birth control such as…

A legitimate rape? Well, okay…

But most women just lie when they say

Their assailant was armed

Chances are they were charmed

By some boyfriend (at least he’s not gay!)

When life hands women a bushel-basket of lemons, it’s time to make some lemonade:

We’re so sorry; we do understand

Your rape-pregnancy happened, unplanned

Sometimes life’s so unfair

It’s just too much to bear

It’s too bad we can’t lend you a hand.

Harsh views on homosexuality abound in GOP political rhetoric (usually right up to the point when those unfortunate photos come to light):

We’re good Christians! We do not believe

In the marriage of Adam and Steve

It’s grotesque and obscene!

Marriage must be kept clean!

It’s in danger! We can’t be naïve!

Under the Kinder Gentler GOP 2.0, it’s time to face facts: not everyone’s a heterosexual. It might be time to ditch the homophobia and realize that gay people do, after all, vote:

Are Republicans biased? No way!

Why, my neighbor’s ex-wife’s son is gay!

He’s a charming young man

Served in Afghanistan

When “don’t ask, don’t tell” passed, I said “yay!”

As we learned in the Ayn Rand petroglyphs, sympathy for the poor, the homeless, the jobless, the sick, the elderly and other losers is a sign of insufferable weakness:

A poor person who can’t pay their rent?

Unemployment check’s already spent?

Well, I simply don’t care!

Not one dime could I spare!

I’m elite! In the top One Percent!

Perhaps that seems a bit, well, uncaring. Let’s see if the new GOP-lite version would sound a little more altruistic:

In the land of the free and the brave

Someone must play the part of wage slave

You should keep working hard

For that house with a yard

And that other nice stuff that you crave.

Of course, there’s nobody like a GOP chicken-hawk draft dodger when it comes to international saber-rattling and war-mongering:

Time to scramble the bombers! Let’s roll!

North Korea is out of control!

And Iran will be armed!

People should be alarmed!

We’re at war for America’s soul!

Well, that sounded nice and patriotic, but since they’ll be fighting these wars using your kids as cannon-fodder, perhaps they need a better recruiting message like this:

Join the Army, young patriot guy!

Beam with pride as our flag flies on high!

Keep America free

In Marines or Navy

It’s all good (well, it’s true: you might die)

While they weren’t busy plotting the next unpaid-for war or stripping women of their rights or shredding the safety net or protecting the uber-rich, GOPers focused their efforts on obstructing that President Obama put forth:

He’s a Socialist Kenyan! Watch out!

All the birthers were right to cast doubt!

That usurper would dare

Push for Obamacare!

Well, impeachment will be our next route

Turns out that those pesky voters keep electing the dude, though, so maybe it’s time for a little more bipartisan approach

Four more years? Well, that sucks, but oh, well…

We’ll try not to freak out or raise hell

“Kumbaya” we shall sing

In the hopes we can bring

Some bipartisan stories to tell

So… by now, you get the picture: same pig, different lipstick. Feel free to add some more rewrites in the comments section below.  

As reported in the New York Times and other reputable sources – and widely mocked elsewhere – Griftasaurus Karlroveii has concocted yet another plan to stave off extinction… or at least make some money off it if it’s really unavoidavle. In a party where dinosaur-on-dinosaur violence has reached levels worthy of paleo-pay-per-view coverage, the bespectacled behemoth believes that he has found the Secret of Eternal Relevance. As always, it involves money. Other people’s money, obviously.

His latest Life Extension scheme involves establishment of the Conservative Victory Party. While that sounds dreadfully bland, rest assured, blood will spill, and carnage will result. Don’t touch that dial! First on the CVP’s hit list? The witless Baggasaurs whose moronic Mesozoic meddling has already cost the GOPasaurs some key seats in the House and Senate. Like a clown car filled with velociraptors on crack, the Baggasaurs provided ample amusement for those of us on the other side of the aisle, but have been an unending torment for their supposed allies.

Spawned by the evil genius and deep pockets of the Kochasaurs and a few other one-percenters with more free time and money than brains, the Baggasaurs were foisted on the American public as a true grass-roots Paleo-phenomenon. Easily identified by their curious headgear, poorly-spelled signs, and angry vocalizations, the Baggasaurs played their parts to perfection. Their walnut-sized brains ensured that they would never discern that they were simply “extras” in the Greatest Story Never Told, and that despite their daily trips to the mailbox, their checks would never arrive.

Still, when measured in terms of damage done versus IQ points, the Baggasaurs will leave a dent in the fossil record. In retrospect, their Reign of Error may represent the Beginning of the End for GOPasaurs. Some analysts surmise that G. karlroveii is very much in agreement with this view, but clearly not above using it to advance his own objectives. Follow along below the coprolite horizon for more…  

It’s been eons since my last dinosaur extinction diary over at The Place That Shall Not Be Named. For those of you who’ve been following me from there, you know the drill: they’re periodic updates on GOP dinosaurs (GOPasaurs) who are long overdue for extinction, but still of interest to the Grim Reaper. I’ve long suspected that the Reaper is keeping them alive purely for entertainment purposes, so let’s join him in the fun!

Wisconsosaurus ronjohnsonii – new on the scene – at least in the scale of geologic time – this Baggasaur already displays delusions of adequacy. Attempting to sink his teeth into Clintonasaurus hillarii in a shameful display of misdirected Mesozoic self-aggrandizement, W. ronjohnsonii has caused massive tectonic upheaval in the Wisconsinan terrain, as millions of residents fall to their knees simultaneously, begging forgiveness for electing this Cretaceous miscreant.

McCainasuaurus getoffamylawnii – what? Not extinct yet? For the love of [insert name of deity here]. Proving once again that there’s no time limit on crankiness, M. getoffamylawnii continues to vocalize his deep, deep dismay at the current state of affairs in every available venue. Following the meteoric rise and stunning fall from grace of his protégé, the hapless Griftasaurus palinii, M. getoffamylawnii has found a new paleo-pal, Granitestatasaurus ayotteii to reprise the role of Etta Place to his geriatric Sundance Kid, to very creepy effect.

Nonnamedforaynrandasaurus paulii – with his octogenarian progenitor gone from the scene, it falls to young N. paulii to pick up the Mesozoic mantle. His bizarre mammalian coif is a useless disguise, for this is a cold-blooded creature with Freon in its veins.  Under his [highly] theoretical faux presidency, Things Would Be Different, and C. hillarii would have been tossed into the nearest volcano for her role in the Benghazi Extinctions. Fortunately for all concerned, N. paulii has already reached the limits of his evolutionary journey and will not be redecorating the White Cave, ever.

Behemasaurus christii – taxonomists are giving this hefty Jerseysaur a second look as researchers continue to identify mammalian tendencies such as genuine (seeming) compassion for the young, the weak, and the storm-tossed. These behaviors (and B. christii’s “palling around” with Obamasaurus Rex) have inflamed fellow GOPasaurs who rightfully fear that B. christii will loom large in more ways than one as the 2016 election nears.  

Brontosaurus romneii – after a crushing defeat, all that’s left of this Bainosaur is a pile of unpaid bills for the fireworks and catering at the over-the-top victory celebration. Acceding to the wishes of millions (including many in his own party), B. romneii has indeed disappeared from the scene, returning to the world of corporate doings, surrounded by his vast (or half-vast) dynastic clan, his domestic staff, his multiple well-appointed caves, and his untold wealth. Since his mate, Dressageasaurus annii, announced that this was B. romneii’s Final Campaign, perhaps he has truly taken his place in the fossil record. One can hope.

Prevaricasaurus ryanii – slowly realizing that he had aligned himself with a losing venture, this witless follower of the Ayn Rand Petroglyphs continues to scratch and claw his way back to some semblance of relevance, to no avail. As his fellow GOPasaurs tear each other limb from limb, they just don’t seem to care about their paleo-wunderkind any more, proving that you needn’t be old to become extinct.

Bloviasaurus limbaughii – as his sponsors run, screaming, into the hills, B. limbaughii ratchets up his caustic Cretaceous crudeness to unprecedented levels, to the delight of the six remaining listeners in Misogyny, Montana. Once a Force To Be Reckoned with, spewing his vile pronouncements across the land from his Oxycontin-filled cave, B. limbaughii is now at the top of the Reaper’s list, as soon as the Reaper can find a large enough volcano.

Boehnersaurus lachrymosii – how this weepy orange creature has eluded the Reaper is a mystery, but despite attacks from his closest allies, he remains to fight another day. With the help of his goggle-eyed sidekick, Archelon mcconnellii, B. lachrymosii has led the Great Capitulation of GOPasaurs who are too busy with their GOPasaur-on-GOPasaur violence to organize against the Greatness Of Obamasaurus Rex. Extinction, when it comes, will look an awful lot like Velociraptor cantorii, the most cold-blooded of the bunch, who is just biding his time until he sinks his fangs into his colleague. Nothing personal, he’ll say. It’s just business.  

The “empowerment” of the Right since the election of President Obama has brought new relevance to old arguments for xenophobia, bigotry and prejudice.  In a few short years our public discourse has declined, one might say devolved, into a number of unbelievably petty and small issues which exercise our emotions more than our reason.  As much as this reinforces “end-of-empire” theorising it has to be wondered what legislative Republicans, among others, could possibly be thinking:

The right’s singularly intelligent strategy is, I guess, to drive all of us as mad as the right is – to embroil us all in the right’s juvenile distractions, its adolescent food fights, its infantile diversions from whatever is truly important. In time, or so the strategy goes, the civilized intelligentsia will walk away in resigned disgust, as will barely interested independent and moderate voters, leaving the political arena almost entirely to the right.

P M Carpenter – To Michelle Goldberg, I tip my hat 15 May 12

Is that it?  If so one fails to see the distinction from a drunken adolescent who threatens to burn down the house because they’re denied the keys to the family car.

Recently the infamous Heartland Institute, who commissioned billboards associating climate science with the Unabomber, decided to “spin off its insurance research project effective May 31.”  The reason?  Climate change scepticism makes impossible meaningful actuarial work on insurance.  Sheesh.  Brace yourselves for another summer of diligent hammering away at the ethical and social foundations of the Republic.

Whoops.  It has been a very tough week for the GOP, desperately seeking consensus on issues of ideology and electability while rounding the first turn in their contest to select a presidential nominee.  And then it got stunningly worse after the collapse of their most recent favourite, Rick Perry, in the recent Orlando debate.  The conservative establishment quickly turned on him with the bitterness of a disappointed lover.  Perry’s back in the pack if not out altogether.

The Florida GOP straw poll results are in and it is pretty hard to fathom:

   Herman Cain: 37.11%

   Rick Perry: 15.43%

   Mitt Romney: 14%

   Rick Santorum: 10.88%

   Ron Paul: 10.39%

   Newt Gingrich: 8.43%

   Jon Huntsman: 2.26%

   Michele Bachmann: 1.51%

That’s a nasty spanking for Perry, who invested heavily in this poll, in a must-win state for him.  And while Romney has retained fund-raising momentum and blunted Perry’s brief rise in the give-and-take of recent weeks it is also clear that his “front-runner” status is limited by a fairly low ceiling of support among evangelicals and Tea Partiers.  Michele Bachmann’s star has fallen to new lows since her “fifteen-minutes” following her Ames straw poll win.

So, Bachmann clobbers Pawlenty, Perry clobbers Bachmann, Romney smothers Perry and the remaining cast of characters just can’t break through.  This recent upset by Cain seems more of a vote of no confidence in Perry than a sign of real resurgence for the pizza mogul, whose lack of foreign policy nous and odd tax reform proposals tend to disqualify him as a serious national candidate.

Labor Day well gone and the GOP is still looking for an electoral saviour?  It’s getting late folks.  Republicans are in serious trouble and they know it.  Pass the popcorn.

The starters have left the gate and they’re off.  Michele “Speaks From God” Bachmann stirred the punters briefly with her Ames Straw Poll victory but was promptly sasquatched by good ol’ Rick Perry’s cannonball entrance.  Huntsman morphed into the sane alternative and subsists on earned media; tells Tea Party, “Bite me” but the tea leaves say “Not this time.”

Newt does well in debates but seems headed to repeat Fred Thompson’s performance art experiment while Rudy won’t commit ’till after the 9/11 observances free him for other duties.  Chris “Get off the damn beach” Christie is yet to be called.  And Sarah, bless her grifter heart, is left to pimp her PAC.

Romney trims his sails and tries to stay upwind of the scrum but puts in an appearance to kiss De Mint’s ring which Perry unexpectedly “misses” due to prior engagements; prayers notwithstanding.

Paul gets his day in the media but fails to inspire.  Cain is unable.  Santorum wanders deeper into postmodern ultraconservative irrelevance.  For all the values sanctity and financial probity demanded and promised by candidates for this “mother of all GOP nominations” the big question remains, “Who’s in the money?”

Debate countdown here.  Or submit a “yes/no” question via Twitter with hashtag #reagandebate (as if.)

Well, it surely is on.  Presidential quote of the day?:

Obama also mocked the tea party, without mentioning it by name, and Republican candidates who sign anti-tax and other pledges.

“I take an oath,” he said. “I don’t go around signing pledges.”

Jim Kuhnhenn – Obama Holds Town Hall Meetings As Bus Tour Rolls Through Illinois Huffington Post 17 Aug 11

Well said, sir.  And a reminder the search for a commander-in-chief is already well under way and we are sure gettin’ a big vaccination dose of Governor Rick Perry:

The governor angered even some Republicans after he said Monday night it would be “almost… treasonous” for the Fed to expand the money supply to try to improve the economy. He also said things could get “ugly” for Mr. Bernanke back in the Lone Star State.

“Threatening the Fed chairman is probably not a good idea,” White House spokesman Jay Carney said Tuesday.

The Perry campaign suggested Tuesday the governor is getting used to a national campaign after building a public persona in Texas that includes antagonizing Washington with eyebrow-raising remarks. “There are always new things to learn,” Ray Sullivan, the governor’s communications’ director told Washington Wire. Mr. Perry was noticeably more soft-spoken Tuesday during campaign stops in Iowa.

Danny Yadron – Perry: ‘I Got in Trouble Talking About the Fed’ WSJ 17 Aug 11

Though insider opinion was that Perry would rather be talking about that than the initial criticism he immediately received from the Right.  Michele is lighting up the tubes with the fact-checking on recent remarks she would have easily breezed over in the past.  And one of her Ames facilitators turns out to be a spooky sort of Christianist mercenary in a past Ugandan incident.  Santorum defends the honour of the Federal Reserve.  Paul supporters decry their lack of earned media, though everyone seems to get it they are a “mile deep and an inch wide.”  Huntsman turns out to be a “climate change” non-sceptic (so 2016).  Rove tells us, belatedly, that we are not a “Christian nation.”  And Obama, bless his retail heart, is on a bus tour.

All candidates’ staffers cleaning straw and cow-flops off the shoes of their respective charges?  Check.  The campaign has begun.

So it has come to this.  Senate Minority Leader McConnell just declined the invitation of Majority Leader Reid, his “friend,” to an up-and-down vote on the Reid amendments.  No surprises there.  But how the hell did we get to this kind of unforced error in the first place?:

It has become commonplace to call the tea party faction in the House “hostage takers.” But they have now become full-blown terrorists.

They have joined the villains of American history who have been sufficiently craven to inflict massive harm on innocent victims to achieve their political goals. A strong America has always stood firm in the face of terrorism. That tradition is in jeopardy, as Congress and President Barack careen toward an uncertain outcome in the tea party-manufactured debt crisis.

William Yeomans – The tea party’s terrorist tactics Politico 29 Jul 11

Harsh words.  Frum, less polemic if perhaps more damningly, also offers criticism:

The original Republican plan was to threaten to tip the country into default unless the GOP got everything it wanted. That threat is proving empty, as Republicans’ business constituencies mutiny against their party’s dangerous tactics.

If blackmail won’t work — and negotiation is not allowed by the party’s own taboos — then the party that asked for everything is on its way to becoming the party that got nothing. Only it’s not just the GOP that is the loser. It’s the whole country.

David Frum – GOP wants Obama’s unconditional surrender CNN 18 July 11

The inflexible brinkmanship demonstrated by Republicans since Obama’s inauguration, while tactically successful in strangling progress and the economy, has reached a climax which may threaten to divide their historic coalition.  How is this a successful or sustainable strategy?

Republicans are playing chicken with American prosperity.  The stakes could not be higher.  Most Americans see this as another pawn in the endless jostling between politic factions, but it is not.  It stands to reverse the expensive and tentative recovery which we are only beginning to enjoy and throw the American economy into a crisis similar to that of Greece relative to the European Community:

May 14 (Bloomberg) — U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner said a default arising from failing to raise the debt limit could cause “irrevocable damage” to the economy, risk a “double-dip” recession and increase unemployment.

“Default would not only increase borrowing costs for the federal government, but also for families, businesses and local governments — reducing investment and job creation throughout the economy,” Geithner said in a letter dated yesterday to Senator Michael Bennet, a Colorado Democrat.

Failing to raise the $14.29 trillion debt ceiling would “force the United States to default” on obligations such as payments to service members, citizens, investors and businesses, Geithner wrote. “This would be an unprecedented event in American history. A default would inflict catastrophic, far-reaching damage on our nation’s economy, significantly reducing growth and increasing unemployment.”

Ian Katz and Daniel Enoch – Geithner Says Damage From Debt Default May Be ‘Irrevocable’ Bloomberg 14 May 11

Republicans seem intent to use this opportunity for a Norquist-style drowning of the economy, which they can then blame on the incumbent administration in the run-up to a desperate presidential election cycle.  Is this the party of patriots or economic suicide-bombers?

Well Huckabee won’t be running according to his announcement today.  Have to give credit to Happy for picking long, long ago a credible candidate as the GOP 2012 nominee but there is a long way to go to the convention.

My guy bailed.  I was a bit disappointed, not because I think Huckabee is a great alternative but because he brought a bit of civility to the partisan discourse even though representing the Evangelical wing of the party.  Things like this:

“I think [Obama] has been an exemplary husband to his wife and an extraordinary father to his daughters,” Huckabee said earlier this year. “Frankly, America needs a good role model like that.”

Ben Smith – Huckabee: The loyal opposition Politico 14 May 11

That was refreshing.  On the other hand he has the social values and, in many ways, the world view of a medieval Pope.  So be it.  I was looking forward to a number of other counter-intuitive gestures from him in the course of the campaign.

Now the field is pretty much comprised of looneys, narcissistic publicity seekers and has-beens.  I’m convinced that the Tea Party phenomenon will drive Republicans to an outsider, populist nominee who will further split the traditional Republican coalition of corporate influence and middle-class values voters.  

How about you?  Do you think this is an opportunity for the Establishment or an insurgent?